Fear and Loathing in (UW-)Whitewater (Part II)

It was time for a change of scenery, so Dusty led us off to new frontiers. We left his dorm with our jackets on our backs, bundles of five dollars in our pockets, and Semisonic's “Closing Time” stuck in our heads. We were about to embark upon the “normal” thing that “normal” college students who live on campus do...

If you guessed drinking, then I set it up correctly and get a gold star for deception, and if not then.., but the fact of the matter was that he was going to take us on tour of the campus. That's right, a tour. Nothing says I'm a “collage studden” like a midnight tour. Indeed a tour of the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater campus. We exited the “Geddy” Lee Hall and walked towards the first stop, Drumlin (a dining hall/convenience store), which wasn’t that far way. Oh, I probably should explain the “Geddy” Lee bit: since Dusty lives in the Lee Hall and is a fan of the Canadian rock band Rush, and their bassist's name is Geddy Lee, this was done for Dusty's sake and surprisingly wasn't a rhetorical choice at all. Anyways, upon entering the building we walked up some stairs. The others followed Dusty. I for one did not, not because I'm rebel or some horseshit like that, but I had gotten sidetracked by a poster of John Belushi portraying Bluto, his character from National Lampoon's Animal House. I later found this to be the only tribute on campus to their famous attendee. I had then caught up with the tour group. Drumlin was this Emporium-sque place or, simply put, a convenience store. It was mainly dead, which is probably to be expected since it was after midnight and all. It was a convenience store and that's about all I can say about it. However, I didn't see any ice-tea of any brand name; Jared would be most disappointed. Not even a matching stain to go along with it, not really much of an “-sque” is it?

Looking around there were some baskets of chips for thirty-five cents or so. But it turned out be nothing but a bunch of empty wicker baskets and few bags of Goldfish (and just to clarify, Goldfish are not chips), talk about false advertising. Okay, that might be a lie since there was a chip bag lying on the bottom of one of the other baskets. I think the main reason we had come here was for the infamous “cheesyhawks.” So probably around this time Dusty had asked if anyone wanted a “cheesyhawk.” Not to worry, it is a food, though what came/comes to mind is that it's a block of melted cheese covered in hawk feather, though I’m not really sure if there is any hawk in them at all. As for myself, I had made no secret of it to Dusty that I wasn't going to eat it, but more along the lines of poking it. Or I could make a sketch of it; I mean that is what business majors do. We circled around and then walked back towards the entrance. Upon walking back I noticed from a distance, and out of the corner of my eye, what appeared to be “cannabis” flavored beef-jerky. Of course, this is a tale of nothing more than high morals and G-rated concepts, so there wouldn't be any of that. Plus this is Wisconsin, just sayin'. It was obviously nothing more than my eyes playing a simple trick, along with the help of stereotypical Mary Jane green upon the packaging.

Moving right along, I had drifted towards the farthest shelves (or the closest to the window) when my eyes happened to be glued upon a certain hygiene product that expands when wet. Also feminine. Funny, because there was this large window right there. I had also assumed it was shady business, similar to that of a drug deal, when females would get this product. I had pointed it out to Cody, and he had made the statement of: “those would clog the toilet. Let's do it.” Ah! Yes, a science experiment came to mind. I ran the idea by Stueven and he agreed. So it was settled, it shall be done in the name of science! Though Dusty seemed less than enthused. I mean it's not like we're using them for their principle purpose, so it's not weird. Right? Dusty wouldn't budge, and it became a dead issue. Loitering there was getting old, so it was that time to leave the miniature convenience store and continue the tour.

Upon leaving we had passed what looked like a “build your own salad” type-bar, and I had made the comment that the tomatoes didn't look fresh and had a thought that the lettuce didn't look all that good either. Of course that's assuming the lettuce was lettuce and hadn’t been pieces of artichoke. We exited the building and walked along the sidewalk and followed Dusty. He led us to the next stop, their [UWWW's] version of a fine arts building. Along the way there were hurdles and a distraction, that being a certain button. I was told not to press the button. Also I had taken the opportunity to make it seem like a legitimate tour, so I took a couple dozen (or more) holiday snaps.

The fine arts building, which was closed (gee, thanks a lot, Dusty), had these four large, metal, blue/orange people cutouts. Dusty had also mentioned that Ron, and no, not Ron Weasley, though don't be too discouraged, for there are other connections to Hogwarts that Whitewater has… anyways, I’m getting sidetracked, Ron, I assume a native, spends most of his time here. And for Cathi, this would be some sort of foreshadowing. We walked along to that point, which was quite some time. Probably along the way Dusty was talking about interesting facts or statistics or some sort of bullshit like that, but alas, there's only so much I can remember. The next probably had a proper title, but I can only remember it as “the building that had a very old bell, which Dusty told us not to ring.” I think that title sums up what happened nicely. We moved right on to the next, but first, on the outside was this bust of Lincoln, correction: a bust of the young Lincoln (no beard, shaved winky smile), the bust stood upon the plaque dedicated The World War. This prompted Carter or Phil or Stueven, well it was at least one of them, to say: “Dusty, Whitewater got it wrong.” Ironically, this building was also where history was taught. This was, claimed Dusty, the oldest building and something and another. Oh, I almost forgot that this building is also “haunted.” That's right; this is one of the numerous things that are “haunted” on the Whitewater campus. Apparently, things move or sounds are made when no one is around. I guess that would explain why the lights were on.

As we walked on, Dusty pointed out buildings on the left and the right, and their purposes. He had led us uphill and pointed out this crap shack in the distance. But what tour would be complete with a potty break? Dusty “broke in” to the nearby building and we did our business and left. Oh, and a “guard” had told Dusty they were “only opened until a certain time.” So the bright thing to do was exit, go down the hill and reenter the through the proper front door. Yeah, that showed that “guard.” Inside was nothing too special; there were eating places and everything was stained with Warhawk fandom. We exited the eating place and continued on. Dusty was again pointing out the buildings on our left and right and their purposes. We did, in fact, pass a greenhouse; oh that's neat. He had explained that the green-haired girl, Amanda, or “Bio Girl,” keeps all of those plants alive; oh that's very impressive. We continued. We passed the bookstore and another building and then we had entered the student housing, where he had said something about Mads, but I don't quite remember what it was about. We continued walking, and in the distance there was a pack of natives who, if anything, seemed to be inebriated, standing on a hill. Zigzagging around the campus, we passed another eating place, went through an “alleyway,” and passed a herd of “washing machines.”

Like most tours, murder is certainly a topic of choice, so far be it from this to be any different. Whitewater has a dark history, and was turned into a movie. Dusty had explained that back in the day, before Whitewater was a part of the UW system, it was a school of witchcraft and wizardry… oh, where have I heard that before? Anyways, Dusty had asked us if we wanted to go up to the tower. Of course, I, being a business major, couldn't get a great picture of this tower. We walked up a hill towards the tower. Oh, also this tower is where three witches were hung, or as I like to think about it is that they murdered three innocent people, just sayin'. Dusty was surprised that we actually wanted to go there at night, because none of his Whitewater friends had ever wanted to. True, however this was a special evening, for it was Day-Light Savings, so that changes everything. So on this thought of witches and murders, this would seem like the perfect time to see the school's cemetery. Yep, Whitewater has its own cemetery. Well of course we walked there, but on the way there Dusty had told as about this book in the Whitewater library that was written by those witches. He continued saying that everyone who has read this book has gone mad and committed suicide. Guess who's going to use the UW-System library loan to find this book?

We had stopped outside the cemetery to talk about the fence: the fence which was covered in gum. Apparently this was some sort of band tradition where, just before some sporting event the band sticks their gum to the fence. We did go in, but it was so much more walking. However, I did get to ask the witty question: “Is it true that college students dug up the corpses to go have sex?” I don't really remember what Dusty's response was, but I assume it was just right. The tour was coming to end and the last stops were sports related, so yeah. We came back to flat ground and a street that led to the sports. Dusty had stated that this is where the freshmen… and I interrupted with “it's where the freshmen are stripped naked and made lay down as steamrollers...” I was close, but it's where the freshmen paint the entire street purple. And Dusty remembered where he had painted. Well good for you, good for you. The football stadium was in sight. We gazed at the field and such. And of course I had noticed that for a sports area there are a lot of cigarette butts everywhere. Once everything had soaked in we left the sports area and that was that. We had walked across the parking lot and towards the dorm. Alas! The tour was over and my, and probably the others,' legs were tired, as we entered the back door of the “Geddy” Lee Hall.

To be continued....