This week, Art wasn't too special or anything except drawing with an eraser. Grrr, I didn't care too much for that. Anyways, Wednesday's class, continuing that nightmare, Uebelherr had put on Elgar's Pomp and Circumcision. Oops, Circumstance, well whatever. It then sparked the question of why? Later I learned that it was the soundtrack to A Clockwork Orange (by the way, if you haven't seen or read it, then you're missing out big time), which, in some way, made it better. Since Uebelherr lets me bring in my own vinyls, I decided to play something that would pick me up. I chose Captain Beefheart's Safe as Milk. Well that got Uebelherr all excited, so I concluded that it was a muy bueno choice. The vinyl ended with a mind-blowing theremin "solo" and I had to flip the record. This was probably the first time that my class had ever heard a theremin. As I was flipping the vinyl, I had received a text. Shocking, I know. Well, not really considering I would get a text at least once in a while from a person in a Milwaukee. So I just ignored it.
Eventually I opened it after class, like a boss. It wasn't who I assumed it was. It was from Cathi. I thought that was odd, because she should have been in school. The message was “how long does this go on for?” I was more or less just puzzled by this. I mentally face-palmed myself when I actually realized what she was talking about. It's about wisdom teeth. My assumption for her actually asking me was rather simple. I had my wisdom teeth taken out during the middle of the summer. Yep, those three fun-filled days or so: spitting up blood, watching movies (one of which starred James Franco and James Franco's arm), eating nothing but soft to liquid foods, and of course my personal favorite: me pretending to be Dr. House. Gotta love Vicodin. I responded with: “A week or two.”
I could just imagine what she was going through. Plus, knowing her love of gore and blood, she would be in heaven. And yet, I think what I had yearned for the most was eating solid foods, especially meat. Actually, I had the craving for meatloaf, of all things. Her yearning was nothing more than playing her flute. Ugh. Since I've never been under the hypnotic seduction of the flute before, and never plan on it, I guess I shouldn't be talking. But really, a flute over solid foods? I just don't get it. It must be a fleek thing.
It got better after I got home and received another text, asking if I was still going. Now, I like Milwaukee. I don't have a problem with it. I mean, it has UW-M, Summerfest, the Oriental, etc. However, I wasn't going to Milwaukee this weekend, and wasn't even planning on it. I assumed it was because of her drug-induced state that she came up with the false idea that I was going to Milwaukee for the weekend. Maybe I should have gone this weekend, but oh well. Going would have meant attending the midnight screening of the new Twilight movie. Please note it's not even a proper midnight screening; if one were actually to do so I would regimen Night of the Living Dead, Reefer Madness, Freaks, Pink Flamingos, or The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Well, my knowledge on Twilight is, well, very little to none. I mean, I do have an idea that it’s about fake vampires[1] and plastic werewolves[2]. Of course, I know that there's Eddie baby and most of the book was half-written by Billy Shakes. There’s also Kirsten Stewart, who acts like a Vulcan. Wait, that would be offending Mr. Spock (And also, Mr. Spock shows more emotion than Stewart could ever hope for). Better yet, Stewart's acting is like a vegetable. Oh no, that's no good either. I'm now dissing pizza, this country. I guess there just isn't a nice way of putting it; she has the same dumb, emotionless facial expression throughout the whole film. I probably can make the assumption that the whole series is like this as well.
Wait, maybe instead of portraying it in the not-so-nicest of light, I could list the positives: it's not a 3-D film and, wait, no, that's pretty bad. Okay, okay I got it; this is from a George Takei tweet: “Dear Twilight Fans: Thank you for making our fans [Star Trek] look normal.” This is a true fact. Oh, I know I could make suggestions for improvements. Hear this, Stephanie Meyer, this is all for you. First things first: get rid of that vampire sparkle bullshit. I understand that PCP is a powerful drug and all, but Stephanie, darling, you’ve got to lay off the angel dust; it's messing with your mind, dear. I mean, Bram Stoker has raised and set the bar for all vampires, and being sparkly isn't one of them. Look at Bela Lugosi or Count Orlok; nothing sparkles about him (well maybe their personalities.) God, I feel like I'm talking about Halloween all over again. However, I will throw you: Vlad may have been a bit sparkly.
Next, instead of having Jacob turn into a werewolf (yeah, I'll admit that I did some research), he should turn into a miniature Shetland pony instead. That would most certainly be an improvement. I mean, he doesn’t follow any werewolf ideology, so it would be only natural to have him changed into a miniature Shetland pony. Now that would be pretty bitchin’. Well, maybe the only thing better would be a eight-inch stallion.
The next order of action, of course, would be getting a different actress instead of Stewart. She was probably all that they could afford. Maybe they could get Zsa Zsa Gabor or Whoopi Goldberg. Hmm... better yet, they could save a couple of bucks and scrap her character completely. Then I assume the storyline would be a bit different, however, not to worry, I've a solution for that as well. Simply have a Brokeback twist between Eddie baby and Jacob. Hang on, I have the strangest feeling that I've gone off on a tangent and dabbled into some fan fiction. Hmm… where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so anyways, with the help of “Rotten Tomatoes” I learned that Breaking Dawn (Part 1), (Part 1?!?!, so I can make the assumption there's going to be more. Unless they're just trolling fans; if so, that would be pretty funny, and if not I they're milking the franchise for everything that it's worth), was rated with a 26%. My guess is that Cathi’s pain in her mouth will be ignored as her eyes and ears are bleeding. Also, I guess it isn't the worst idea to go there hopped up on Vicodin.
All I hope is she didn't drive herself...
(See, I do care.)
(See, I do care.)
On a completely separate note, I've got an idea for a mix/mash-up: step one: take a full serving of Florence Foster Jenkins' "unique" voice, singing her infamous aria, “Queen of the Night Aria.” It’s the same one from Mozart's, The Magic Flute. Then, smother with one of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. I prefer part two, but any one of them will do. People might eventually make the connection that this would be just a flat-out terrible as a song. However, I think it would be the perfect example of outsider music.
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[2] He doesn't need the moon, isn't played by Lon Chaney, Jr., and doesn't wear a shirt... and especially isn't played by Lon Chaney, Jr. However, I still think a silver bullet would get the job done.
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