A Lot of Tale About (Almost) Something

I might as well get this out of the way: for those you are interested, and for those of who aren't, just sit tight. My turkey day was fine; the Packers won. I listened to Arlo Guthrie's “Alice's Restaurant Massacree.”  And that's all I got to say about that. See, it wasn't that bad. Hang on- I hope everyone's cool with “turkey day,” because there are some pretty up-tight Thanksgiving purists. Wait a minute, isn't that the purpose of a purist? Anyways, this shall not be a vigorous tale of viernes del negro con las muchas personas loca. First, if someone understood my “Spanish,” congratulations. I can't believe I remembered words and etc. Second, I can't see myself actually writing about Black Friday, anyways. It's more about this...

The boy that grew up to be a footrest, Dipping into the 1st international bank of Dusty, The reason people like R2-D2 is because he's white, After being sodomized, Lime, lime, oh and have I forgotten to mention lime, Oh wait there was also some peach, Well at least one point during that escapade,Learning how to hug, “Okay… something just isn’t kosher here.” Punk needs more ukuleles, Ooo that's “caramelly,” How the hell do you get lost in a driveway? Oh, Jim Gaffigan, you and your Hot Pockets jokes.  “They're eating her... and then they're going to eat me... OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Okie dokie, woot, woot, lime.

I won't lie. Out content is pretty off-the-wall and might sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic or just an avant-garde off beat poem. Who's really to say?

Well the best to answer that is probably me. There are only a handful of people who have a remote clue of what this about: those being friends. Being Thanksgiving and all, my friends had come back from their respected schools, Marquette, UWM, St. Norbert, and of course the always forgotten Whitewater.

I could say the weekend started after school, but I have the strangest feeling that's been done before. So I'll say the weekend started at MacDons with Rachel and Peter, and the taste of a McGangBang. Oh, and some very salty French Fries. Moving along, eventually Cody had gotten word that we were hanging at MacDons and making comedic observations. Eventually, I left and went to his house. Cody was explaining how Stueven was planning things for us to do and really wanted us to have fun. To put it Biblically, it was going to be the shit. Then there was also some Pibb involved, however it was rather watery, wink, wink. Also there was lime. Before long, Dusty showed up. Before actually doing what Stueven had planned, we were all invited to a mini-reunion with other Howards Grove graduates. After that, we managed to get back to Stueven's and the hours of debauchery had begun. Before long it was time to leave. Well, walking back to my vehicle, I questioned Stueven's coolness level, but more importantly, when did this all go down? I mean, shit, since when did Stueven get so cool?

The next day, Thanksgiving, wasn't that much different, except that we had watched a terrible cult film, Troll 2. With lime. On Black Friday, I wasn't the crazy one to get up early, let alone even going to a retail store. My Black Friday was spent at Music Boxx where I found Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant; weird, it's like completing the circle or something. I also found Santana and Elephant's Memory. Cody had gotten the Black Key's new single, “Lonely Boy” on a 12” single, which also had a reverse groove; that's pretty neat! Dusty purchased a new vinyl of Dream Theater's Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory. That was about it for actual shopping on Black Friday for me and/or us. Well, maybe not Dusty, since he had gotten a winter coat. The day eventually ended with us going to Stueven's house, though there wasn't Stueven to be found. However it wasn't a total loss. We got to see the movie Kick-Ass and had an adventure to get a Wal-mart pizza. That adventure included fruitlessly mining for CDs in a seemingly bottomless bin. By the time we had gotten back, it seemed as if we hadn't ever left; Carter and Phil were still in the same places and playing Madden 10. We did watch The Big Lebowski, but sadly we didn't finish it.

Everyone went out to breakfast on Saturday. I didn't. Well that's a dead topic. That's weird. Why even bring it up? I don't know, remorse? Or maybe it was just to help lengthen this. I guess I like to breathe life into one's interest, and quickly. Hey you know what's interesting? Canoeing and kayaking. Well, maybe their “Whitewatered” definitions. Hours had passed and we listened to records at my home until we got the go-ahead from Stueven. There, we finished The Big Lebowski and watched other movies. When Urkel & The Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager are the only real actors in the whole film, you just know it's got to be good. Okay, I lied, there's also a gay pornstar. And I can’t forget to mention the most realistic-looking mega shark and crocosaurus that I have ever seen. Mixing that together with several snide comments and smart-ass questions, one would get Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus. I won't say what happens, the title says it all. (Oh by the way, Dusty, you were right about Urkel being in the movie.) Anywho, though everyone really would've liked to continue with another terrible movie, it just didn't happen. With lime. Our next move was watching a Jim Gaffigan stand-up comedy act, Beyond the Pale. I thought it was a decent way to end this weekend. Always remember to end on a high note!

In the long run, I can honestly say that I was spoiled to the nth degree this weekend. Like most things, everything must come to an end, and everything returns back to the normal flow. Just 25 days now.

Flutes, and Twilight, and Drugs! Oh, My!

This week, Art wasn't too special or anything except drawing with an eraser. Grrr, I didn't care too much for that. Anyways, Wednesday's class, continuing that nightmare, Uebelherr had put on Elgar's Pomp and Circumcision. Oops, Circumstance, well whatever.  It then sparked the question of why?  Later I learned that it was the soundtrack to A Clockwork Orange (by the way, if you haven't seen or read it, then you're missing out big time), which, in some way, made it better. Since Uebelherr lets me bring in my own vinyls, I decided to play something that would pick me up. I chose Captain Beefheart's Safe as Milk. Well that got Uebelherr all excited, so I concluded that it was a muy bueno choice. The vinyl ended with a mind-blowing theremin "solo" and I had to flip the record. This was probably the first time that my class had ever heard a theremin. As I was flipping the vinyl, I had received a text. Shocking, I know. Well, not really considering I would get a text at least once in a while from a person in a Milwaukee. So I just ignored it.

Eventually I opened it after class, like a boss. It wasn't who I assumed it was. It was from Cathi. I thought that was odd, because she should have been in school. The message was “how long does this go on for?” I was more or less just puzzled by this. I mentally face-palmed myself when I actually realized what she was talking about. It's about wisdom teeth. My assumption for her actually asking me was rather simple. I had my wisdom teeth taken out during the middle of the summer. Yep, those three fun-filled days or so: spitting up blood, watching movies (one of which starred James Franco and James Franco's arm), eating nothing but soft to liquid foods, and of course my personal favorite: me pretending to be Dr. House. Gotta love Vicodin. I responded with: “A week or two.”

I could just imagine what she was going through. Plus, knowing her love of gore and blood, she would be in heaven. And yet, I think what I had yearned for the most was eating solid foods, especially meat. Actually, I had the craving for meatloaf, of all things. Her yearning was nothing more than playing her flute. Ugh. Since I've never been under the hypnotic seduction of the flute before, and never plan on it, I guess I shouldn't be talking. But really, a flute over solid foods? I just don't get it. It must be a fleek thing.

It got better after I got home and received another text, asking if I was still going. Now, I like Milwaukee. I don't have a problem with it. I mean, it has UW-M, Summerfest, the Oriental, etc. However, I wasn't going to Milwaukee this weekend, and wasn't even planning on it. I assumed it was because of her drug-induced state that she came up with the false idea that I was going to Milwaukee for the weekend. Maybe I should have gone this weekend, but oh well. Going would have meant attending the midnight screening of the new Twilight movie. Please note it's not even a proper midnight screening; if one were actually to do so I would regimen Night of the Living Dead, Reefer Madness, Freaks, Pink Flamingos, or The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Well, my knowledge on Twilight is, well, very little to none. I mean, I do have an idea that it’s about fake vampires^[1] and plastic werewolves^[2].  Of course, I know that there's Eddie baby and most of the book was half-written by Billy Shakes. There’s also Kirsten Stewart, who acts like a Vulcan. Wait, that would be offending Mr. Spock (And also, Mr. Spock shows more emotion than Stewart could ever hope for). Better yet, Stewart's acting is like a vegetable. Oh no, that's no good either. I'm now dissing pizza, this country. I guess there just isn't a nice way of putting it; she has the same dumb, emotionless facial expression throughout the whole film. I probably can make the assumption that the whole series is like this as well.

Wait, maybe instead of portraying it in the not-so-nicest of light, I could list the positives: it's not a 3-D film and, wait, no, that's pretty bad. Okay, okay I got it; this is from a George Takei tweet: “Dear Twilight Fans: Thank you for making our fans [Star Trek] look normal.” This is a true fact. Oh, I know I could make suggestions for improvements. Hear this, Stephanie Meyer, this is all for you. First things first: get rid of that vampire sparkle bullshit. I understand that PCP is a powerful drug and all, but Stephanie, darling, you’ve got to lay off the angel dust; it's messing with your mind, dear. I mean, Bram Stoker has raised and set the bar for all vampires, and being sparkly isn't one of them. Look at Bela Lugosi or Count Orlok; nothing sparkles about him (well maybe their personalities.) God, I feel like I'm talking about Halloween all over again. However, I will throw you: Vlad may have been a bit sparkly.

Next, instead of having Jacob turn into a werewolf (yeah, I'll admit that I did some research), he should turn into a miniature Shetland pony instead. That would most certainly be an improvement. I mean, he doesn’t follow any werewolf ideology, so it would be only natural to have him changed into a miniature Shetland pony. Now that would be pretty bitchin’. Well, maybe the only thing better would be a eight-inch stallion.

The next order of action, of course, would be getting a different actress instead of Stewart. She was probably all that they could afford. Maybe they could get Zsa Zsa Gabor or Whoopi Goldberg. Hmm...  better yet, they could save a couple of bucks and scrap her character completely. Then I assume the storyline would be a bit different, however, not to worry, I've a solution for that as well. Simply have a Brokeback twist between Eddie baby and Jacob. Hang on, I have the strangest feeling that I've gone off on a tangent and dabbled into some fan fiction. Hmm… where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so anyways, with the help of “Rotten Tomatoes” I learned that Breaking Dawn (Part 1), (Part 1?!?!, so I can make the assumption there's going to be more. Unless they're just trolling fans; if so, that would be pretty funny, and if not I they're milking the franchise for everything that it's worth), was rated with a 26%. My guess is that Cathi’s pain in her mouth will be ignored as her eyes and ears are bleeding. Also, I guess it isn't the worst idea to go there hopped up on Vicodin.

All I hope is she didn't drive herself...
(See, I do care.)

On a completely separate note, I've got an idea for a mix/mash-up: step one: take a full serving of Florence Foster Jenkins' "unique" voice, singing her infamous aria, “Queen of the Night Aria.” It’s the same one from Mozart's, The Magic Flute. Then, smother with one of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. I prefer part two, but any one of them will do. People might eventually make the connection that this would be just a flat-out terrible as a song. However, I think it would be the perfect example of outsider music.

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[1] They don't fear the sunlight; in fact, they sparkle in it. WTF?! My best guess is that they enjoy garlic bread and looking at themselves in the mirror, that they don't change into bats, and that a wooden stake is probably their best friend!

[2] He doesn't need the moon, isn't played by Lon Chaney, Jr., and doesn't wear a shirt... and especially isn't played by Lon Chaney, Jr.  However, I still think a silver bullet would get the job done.

Michele Bachmann (Note: Not Kristen Wiig)

Before actually getting into the blog itself, I think it would be for the best if I were to set up this blog, although this isn't really the usual "norm" for me...

 ...I suppose that it was week or so ago where, during class, Azor had brought up Bachman-Turner Overdrive (I don't remember the reason why). He asked me if I listened to BTO. Well, I said, “yeah, but I prefer the Guess Who more.” Which lead Azor to say, “I'm not going to ask your opinion of Michele Bachmann. However, it might be an idea for a blog post.”

  ...and that's that for the most part (also, I should probably throw in a disclaimer that, though this may seem "one sided," I would like to note that any and all political parties are dangerous to one's moral being). So without any further delay, here is the feature presentation, not shown in 3-D... 

I’m pretty sure that most of the world, and by “most of the world” I mean those Americans that actually care, could view Michele Bachmann as a Sarah Palin protégée (well a more successful protégée, unlike Christine O'Donnell. Remember her? Oh I hope they didn't burn her at the stake, tehe). Anyways, for the reasonable person, that probably does hold some merit (and if not, then please look up the definition of protégée). However, this isn't what my blog is about.

Early in the week, I was just sitting, watching the rain and playing 3-D pinball (note: this was after watching the live stream of Abbey Road). Someone told me that “everything relates to the good” (it was something that he had learned in his philosophy class, which I tried to make sense of). I kept thinking about the idea of everything relating to the good, on a count that Michele Bachmann and I don't see eye-to-eye on everything/anything/some things. The first thing that comes to mind when Michele Bachmann is being related to the good is that she's portrayed by Kristen Wiig on Saturday Night Live. Nothing says good or winning like Wiig; she's like a female Bill Hader or Fred Armisen.

Michelle Bachmann isn't Ann Coulter. Bachmann is the kind of girl, who likes the first amendment and water-boarding. Okay, Michele did have that personal quirk of looking in the wrong direction that one time. Still, I'll take looking in the wrong direction over forgetting one of the most used words of your campaign. You know, like that one candidate, I forget his name... (In all seriousness, I think people should be a bit more concerned about his wanting to cut education than the lovable Texan governor's memory problem). Months back, Newsweek had given the honor of placing Bachmann on the cover, which had this, I don't know, Charles Manson-esque feel about the photo (it's the eyes). For what it's worth, Manson did have charismatic eyes, which led things to get accomplished, so in a roundabout way this is a compliment. Good news, Bachmann isn't remotely spelled or defined the same as Rick Santorum's last name (and one tends to thank Dan Savage, thanks Mr. Savage). I'll admit that Bachmann is nowhere as retro as Newt Gingrich, but on the other hand, Bachmann doesn't buy her husband expensive jewelry from Tiffany's (even though he might like it once and awhile). Another positive would be, or at least I would view it has a positive, that five women haven't come forward claiming that Bachmann had sexually harassed them. Wait, or would that be hot?!? Hmm... Well while that's busy tickling the heterosexual male's mind, let's move on to the next topic.

The thing about Bachman that does get me all warm and fuzzy inside is, gaffes (well, I think that’s what it’s called, just don't quote me not it, tehe). I think that for the most part, her “oops” has been a part of her characteristics, whether she like likes them or not. So why not explore some.

She has this odd idea that carbon dioxide isn't a harmful gas. Interesting theory, dog, I just don't want to be the guinea pig to test that out. I suppose learning that Disney's The Lion King is nothing more than “gay propaganda” was certainly was an eye opener. Gee, and I thought it was Disney's take on Billy Shakes' Hamlet, but boy was I wrong. Moving on the same train of thought, Elton John isn't better at what he does because he can play the piano or write a tune. It's because he's a homosexual. So remember kids, if you want to successful in life just be gay. Hey, don't knock it until you try it. Just more words of wisdom from Michele Bachmann. Boy for a politician, who isn't too keen on gays or gay marriage, she certainly does like to have them on the brain. When talking about the swine flu (Remember that? Retro isn't it?), she did find an “interesting coincidence” between the outbreak in ‘76 and ‘90. Except she had the knack of pronouncing Gerald Ford like jim-ee kahr-ter, and then for some reason thinking he was a Democrat. Weird? I guess that blew her coincidence out of the water. A bit more history: John Quincy Adams wasn't a founding father. The founding fathers didn't work endlessly to stop slavery, sorry about that, dude. However, I will admit that I don't know of any candidate that knows that birthplace of an infamous clown serial killer. Who knows, it could be the winning answer to a trivia contest. That's assuming when the question is being read, it's actually being misread by ignoring the 'Gacy' part. Of course, not all of them are silly. She had the nicest of all gestures to wish Elvis a happy birthday on August 16th.

At least she didn't pull a 'Lambert Field;' remember that, Kerry? Sure Bachmann has chalked up quite a list of “oops,” but don't we all at some times? I think best case scenario for Bachmann would be getting the Republican party's presidential nomination (big if) and then getting a running mate whose last name is Turner. Then use BTO's “Takin' Care of Business” as their campaign song. That would be epic, though only to a point, of course.

Just remember that Kristen Wiig is the comedian, not Bachmann.

Not to be outdone by any other of my little tidbits at the end, here's this week's "Columbo" moment: During the end of this week, I learned that Aleister Crowley and Aldous Huxley had dined together in Berlin back in October of 1930. Well, sure this isn't news-breaking or earth-shattering, and to be honest, probably a bit outdated. However, just the idea of these characters actually meeting is still pretty mind-blowing. Well, I thought it was pretty neat, but that's just me.

Album Reviews - October

Same deal as last month. Just this time a bit less extensive.


Tarkio Road (1970), Brewer & Shipley - Not many people can say they landed on Nixon's "enemies list," and were called a "modern spiritual" all for the same reason. Being that I'm a softy for the then next great American spiritual. Isn't that right Lawrence? Spiritual about what, I wonder. Typical folk-rock album, vocal harmonies, acoustic guitars, and then there's this... trying to throw President Tricky Dick out of office, mixed with the romanticism of Mary Jane. Also they throw in a couple of wah-wahs here and there. Going a step further, "Tarkio Road" could quite possibly be a soundtrack to any "Cheech and Chong" film. Tracks worth the mention are: "One Toke Over The Line," "Don't Want to Die in Georgia," "Tarkio Road," "Seems Like A Long Time," and "Fifty States Of Freedom." I should also mention the track, "Oh Mommy," which includes the wicked steel guitar playing of the Grateful Dead's very own Jerry Garcia. And if you get nothing more from this than "One Toke Over the Line" stuck in your head, then I have done my job. Once again Mr. Welk, what did you think toke meant? B+


Ceremonials (2011), Florence + the Machine - In all honesty, I was skeptical about their sophomore release, just after listening to the first few minutes. I had noticed a different sound. Indeed, a difference in their style. Looks like Florence has been dabbling in some chamber music here. Also sounds like there is some Adele influence here, but that's just me. Of course like Adele, Florence can actually belt out a tune or more. Tracks worth the mention: "What the Water Gave Me," "Never Let Me Go," "Breaking Down," "Lover To Lover," and "Spectrum." Even though I still yearned for the sounds Lungs again. A-


The Black Album (2003), Jay-Z - Move over Metallica, I found another Black Album. Next I'll come out and say it. I'm not a connoisseur of the hip-hop genre. There I said it (I feel much better getting that off my chest). Surprisingly this was palatable and sure the lyrics aren't up to par with Ginsburg or any another Beatnik poem, but still there is something going on here... I just don't know what it is. Songs worth the mention: "What More Can I Say," "99 Problems," "Public Service Announcement," "Lucifer," "Allure," and "My 1st Song." Suppose the next step is Danger Mouse's The Grey Album. A-


Oracular Spectacular (2007), MGMT - A modern day, "electronic" verison of early Tyrannosaurus Rex. I'm not that far off by comparing them to T. Rex. The singer also has a Marc Bolan-esque to his voice. I love it. This duo certainly does paint a picture of modern day psychedelia (as well as their music videos, but that's a different subject). A genre that I never thought would have a revival, but here it is. Songs worth the mention "Time To Pretend," "Weekend Wars," "Electric Feel," "Pieces of What," "Of Moons, Birds & Monsters," and "The Handshake." A-


Teenage Dream (2010), Katy Perry - This is a pop album. I don't know if that's a call for alarm, but who knows? Sure the album contains several singles about sex. Alright sex; with that being said and still having high hopes for this. I assumed that the whole album had the same feel. However that wasn't the case and they just weren't exactly met. Beyond the main singles, the other songs were either ranging from average to sad. And then there was the song "Peacock," nice attempt at humor, Katy Perry. Song worth mentioning: "Teenage Dream," "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)," and "Firework." Question, does Russell Brand has an influence on her music? I'm not really sure if he does. C


Lulu (2011), Lou Reed & Metallica - Not knowing what to think about this from the 90 second preview of "The View." For the most part, I really was just hoping it going be like Berlin meets Metal Machine Music (or instead, insert popular Metallica album there. Wait; scratch that. Actually I like Metal Machine Music there). I suppose in retrospect the album does follow through with being like Metal Machine Music (whether that it's not the way I was hoping). And by far the most unique album Metallica has ever worked on. The music is definitively Metallica's and the lyrics are definitively Lou Reed's. The fact of the matter is the lyrics are too much for Metallica fans and the music is probably too much for Lou Reed fans. Songs that I found to be decent  were "Ice Honey" and "Junior Dad." And maybe generations from now, someone will find it on a shelf, collecting dust, and find it to be legit. Who knows? B-